04 June 2009

I think I know what part of my problem has been.
I think.

This may be the longest I've gone, in my entire life, without some sort of physical interaction with people. I've always been a very affectionate person. I like to touch people when I talk to them. I like to link arms. I like to be held around the waist.

Sure, I may have had glimmers of something in the past six months, but this has been the longest six months of my life. 2009 has not been very good to me.

For the first time, I have to watch what I do. All I want to do is sit next to you and not think about putting my head on your shoulder like I used to. Or kiss that part of your forehead. These things might not be possible anymore, but they are engraved into my memory of things that are good and things that I will always want.

It's so nice and so painful to be friends with the people that I am friends with. When I see my married couple friends hug, or cuddle in the way that married couples do, my stomach drops a little. I want to feel like myself and do things I used to do. I haven't felt like myself in a long time.

1 comment:

jb said...

really i'm surprised you haven't started working out because of it.

I have found that if your body can't make love, you make your body a weapon.

this is why Kimi had to sleep in my bed.

i've been physically satisfied for a week out of my adult career-- i know how you feel.