I am made of blue sky + hard rock

2009-08-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

2009-08-17T20:37:00.001-07:00

I want to go back to school.
I want to do a lot of things.

2009-08-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

I love super secrets. I'm good at keeping them.

2009-08-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

So, how do I make this happen?

I suppose I can get by making what I make and move out.

(...I need a backer...or a sugar daddy...)

I need to figure this out within two weeks. Two weeks.

Things would be so much better if I could just get out of this town.

2009-07-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

2009-07-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

blink, blink, blink.
(click, click, click.)

2009-06-29T20:25:00.001-07:00

Scratch that.

Life is silly and unexpected in the most wonderful ways.
And I worry too much.

2009-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Oh!
Why does everything have to be so complicated?

That little voice is tell me,
"Watch your step! Don't fall into this hole again."

Overgeneralizing, but maybe for good reason.

Please, please, please make up your mind.

2009-06-25T11:22:00.001-07:00

It's nice to have this feeling in my stomach again.

2009-06-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

Time to think about getting in the shower.
Get dressed.
Put on a face.

Look up train times.
Get on the bus.
Get back to the train.
Get back to Indiana.
Get back in the car.

Listen to that music much too loud.
Drive way too fast.
Get back home.

Maybe not even go home.
Maybe go straight to your friend.
Tell her all about it.
Yeah, that sounds good.

That sounds like a lot of driving.

2009-06-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

2009-06-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Jessi,

As you may have noticed over the years, I am terrible at putting stamps on envelopes and mailing things in your direction in a timely manner. As my time has run short, there are a few things that need to be brought to your attention:

The first being, I miss you already. You have no idea the profound joy it has been to have this short time with you. You brought a spark back to my life that I hope I can feel even after you're gone.

Secondly, please make sure I actually have your new address in the event I have a change of person and send you something. Considering the time it would take for me to remember, and then the distance it would travel, expect something in 2-3 months.

Lastly, I love you. I hope you find your mountain man out there on your travels...and I hope he has a brother. Come back soon, or I will have to find my compass and come find you.

I'm no good at ending these things, so I will leave it at that.

You're dearest friend and comrade,

Shauna M. Pierson

2009-06-08T22:00:00.001-07:00

2009-06-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

I think I know what part of my problem has been.
I think.

This may be the longest I've gone, in my entire life, without some sort of physical interaction with people. I've always been a very affectionate person. I like to touch people when I talk to them. I like to link arms. I like to be held around the waist.

Sure, I may have had glimmers of something in the past six months, but this has been the longest six months of my life. 2009 has not been very good to me.

For the first time, I have to watch what I do. All I want to do is sit next to you and not think about putting my head on your shoulder like I used to. Or kiss that part of your forehead. These things might not be possible anymore, but they are engraved into my memory of things that are good and things that I will always want.

It's so nice and so painful to be friends with the people that I am friends with. When I see my married couple friends hug, or cuddle in the way that married couples do, my stomach drops a little. I want to feel like myself and do things I used to do. I haven't felt like myself in a long time.

2009-06-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I changed out my calendar.

I have a big blank calendar that you just have to fill out the days and the month in. I wrote in my work schedule as well as things I don’t want to miss. I wrote in birthdays and I wrote in when bills are due. I wrote in when my friends are leaving and not coming back. I look at this every day.

2009-06-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Good morning, good mourning.

2009-06-01T11:32:00.001-07:00

So maybe I should have taken a little more time on these, but it was late.
(click to enlarge)

2009-05-28T21:31:00.001-07:00

2009-05-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a floppy hat summer.

2009-05-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

I think about calling you to hang out.
I think about sending you the letter even after the fact.
(just so you could see how similar ours were.)
I think about covering songs and asking your opinion.
I think about asking you on an adventure.

I don't know.

2009-05-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

Not having a blow dryer is becoming an issue....

2009-05-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

I live for the weekends.
I live for the weekends?
Really?
Don't I work on the weekends?

Blast.

Seems like during the week I work, come home, put on a pjs, and vege.
What am I, 40?

It's time to start filling the void.
More bike riding, more running, more...something.
I've been here nine months, maybe I should make more friends.

2009-05-14T21:23:00.001-07:00

It's time to clean up the messes I've made.

2009-05-13T14:14:00.001-07:00

I need to pick a new city.
I suppose I should travel and figure out where I want to be.
I want to be a complete stranger.

2009-05-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

It's funny.
Today two friends and my mom pretty much told me the same thing.
I'm too sensitive to let people treat me the way they do.
(I did buy two bags of cookies and a chocolate bar)
As well as a laundry list of other things to cheer me up.

I wish I didn't need cheering up over things like this anymore.

I have so many things to look foreword to this week.
I cried for you once, and that's all you'll get.

2009-05-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

I always want to ride the ferris wheel, but no one will ride it with me.
How sad to be up in the sky all by yourself.

2009-05-07T10:37:00.001-07:00

I endured the crowds downtown just to take a few pictures.

2009-05-04T17:39:00.001-07:00

I've officially had this blog for 383 days.

I've made 227 posts.

That's 138 days within the year that I did not post.

That's like, four and a half months out of twelve.

I consider it an accomplishment.

I don't think I've ever kept anything this long in my life.

2009-05-04T17:30:00.001-07:00

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU----

Well, that was a minor mistake.

2009-04-30T21:17:00.001-07:00

So this is how it usually works: I started cleaning for about ten minutes, then I decided I needed music, so I scroll the radio stations of pandora. On the floor I notice my green hat (which I’ve been looking for) and put it on. Since I don’t have a mirror, I commonly use my photobooth to see how I look. That then leads to me taking a bunch of doppelganger pictures of myself (because it’s much more fun than one.) I’m playing my music much louder than I usually would because my dad isn’t home. Whenever I mention that I live with my dad, it makes me feel a lot younger than what I am, because most people my age do not live with their fathers or even talk to their parents at the rate I do. But I have to remind myself that this is a temporary thing. It’s almost his bed time, which leads me to believe he might be on a date (and also because when I came home the other night, he was using his “I’m talking to a lady” voice and went in the basement to talk so I wouldn’t eaves drop.) But lately he has been staying up a lot later. I wonder if he’s sleeping enough? I wonder if I’m sleeping enough. Maybe I should wash my sheets. Neh.

2009-04-28T21:03:00.001-07:00

Making important life decisions: not easy.
I have a nasty letter to write to whoever told me it was.

I'm home unexpectedly soon with a lot to think about.
Like always.

2009-04-25T16:00:00.001-07:00

2009-04-21T14:55:00.001-07:00

2009-04-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

Working at 7AM? Awesome.
I suppose it's better than 5AM
(Let's hope I never have to see that day.)

2009-04-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I want to scream.
I want to shake you and tell
you you'll never know what a
jerk you are. And that you
have no clue. You never did.

I'm so mad at myself for falling
for it. So mad. I seem to let it
go for weeks at a time. But there
it is, again. Madness. A reminder.

I bet I run into you again, on a
random street in some anonymous
city I'm living in years and years
from now. I'll have my chance to
tell you smooth and straight. And
I won't cry, because I'll never
cry from you again. Not once.

I hope you're happy being oblivious.

2009-04-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I should say something, or just disappear
forever. I'll send word to the ones I love, and then
I'll be gone. I can't wait. It's so soon.

It's all happening.

2009-04-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

My nose my or may not fall off at any moment.

2009-04-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

And when I really miss you,
I watch the video we made
that's too boring for anyone
else to watch. And think about
watching Judge Judy and big
windowed apartments in Chicago.

2009-04-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

2009-04-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about what could be, and getting real excited.
We will see.

2009-04-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

So, I think I just got a job. Finally.
I hear back for sure Wednesday.
But I'm pretty damn charming when I have
to be, so I think I have it in the bag.

2009-03-29T18:46:00.001-07:00

More on my flickr.

2009-03-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

Three days
four hours
+ five minutes.

2009-03-27T18:51:00.001-07:00

So is this "monetize" feature on everyone's blogs?
As much as I like the idea of making money by blogging,
the only thing that's really holding me back is that
the ads on my page would not be aesthetically pleasing.

2009-03-22T09:04:00.001-07:00

That's two in a row I've dreamed we talked.

2009-03-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

Suck on your pipe, and put that in!

2009-03-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

I want my heart to stop hurting.
I just have to keep reminding myself.
Keep reminding myself.

2009-03-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

JB, meet my patronus.
This little guy was all in my dreams last night, so I took it as a sign.
I'm a white ferret.

2009-03-16T17:27:00.003-07:00

2009-03-16T17:25:00.001-07:00

2009-03-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Ides of March.

As beautiful as it is outside today, I'm staying in.
I'm doing laundry and cleaning my room, and I'm not
going to wear a bra because I need to wash it.

Many people I know are traveling today. Please don't
end up like this guy, Julius.

2009-03-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day I haven't worn a skirt or dress in two weeks.
I do not like pants.

2009-03-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

2009-03-06T11:11:00.001-08:00

Today, I'll put on a summer dress and walk around like nothing ever happened.

2009-03-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

I was never the person who didn't have to plug their nose.
Even in the bathtub.

2009-03-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Made this for a friend.

18x18 high gloss poster.

Click to see larger.

Miss you.

2009-02-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

2009-02-25T01:22:00.000-08:00

Just finished building a blog for my design stuff.
Check it out here and let me know what you think.

I really need to make a legit website, but this will do for now.

2009-02-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, hey.

2009-02-22T22:20:00.000-08:00

2009-02-17T14:44:00.001-08:00

2009-02-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

So I have a little over $200 (thank god for birthdays) and I'm thinking of getting the hell out of here for a while. This...all this...is too much right now, and if I don't leave, I will disappear. So I'm going to pick a direction and hope there is a familiar face around it.

It's been too long since I've slept.

2009-02-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

I feel really bad that I've been neglecting my blog. I really don't have much to report other than I've been using my tumblr a lot more (because it's a lot better, quite frankly) and that I haven't been sleeping.

I slept through most of my birthday yesterday.

I've continued my quest as a LOST fanatic.

JB, I think you should join me on the dark side and start a tumblr. I've already recruited two people...your next.

Also, I'd like everyone to know that I've been cleaning my room this whole time with this browser up, and this animated gif is very motivating.

2009-02-07T15:48:00.001-08:00

2009-02-05T20:37:00.001-08:00

2009-02-05T14:20:00.002-08:00

February 5, 2009

2009-02-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

February 4, 2009

2009-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

February 3, 2009

2009-02-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ex. A

Dear Blogger,

I'm sorry that your bastard cousin, tumblr is more fun right now. Please see exhibit A for example. But don't worry, mommy hasn't given up on you...she's just on vacation.

2009-02-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

February 2, 2009

2009-02-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

February 1, 2009

2009-01-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a new project sunday.

I'll be taking a daily portrait of myself
for the following 28 days.

Maybe something will come of this.

Last night, my dream sucked. And now it's
following me around like a ghost. If you
can find it, you can find it. It's there.

2009-01-27T18:25:00.001-08:00

I figure it can't hurt, right?

2009-01-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

For real?

2009-01-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

Dad is bored too.
This is him snowblowing the driveway.
Oh, but see, he has two plows on his truck.

2009-01-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Jenn,

I'm "writing" you a letter right now.
I'm sorry if it is really bad, but I
promise they will get better.

Love, Shauna

2009-01-24T11:16:00.000-08:00

2009-01-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

Went out to breakfast with my dad yesterday.
The place had paper down on the tables to draw on, and this was the crayon color I chose.

Hahaha...for real.

2009-01-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

Well, that was a bad night.

You know what makes my days just a little bit worse? When, each morning, my dad asks,

"What are you going to do today?"

I know it's a simple question, but just knowing, in his eyes, I really haven't been doing much of anything for the past four months, kills me. Because all the "not doing much" has consisted of over two dozen attempts at finding a legit job...and failing.

So, I don't know, dad, today, maybe I'll do a little bit more self-loathing. I need to catch up on my complete lack of confidence, oh, and I was thinking about reworking my portfolio to show what a piece of shit I am.

Guh.

So, maybe today isn't a very good day either.

2009-01-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

I'm less than a month away from being 23 years old.
I still sleep with my bear, Beary.
He smells like home.

2009-01-20T21:27:00.000-08:00

Doug and I both wanted to name our first daughter (the daughter we're not having together...unless we're racing Deanna and Forrest) Sophia. Obviously, close friends can't have two kids with the same name, so we rock-paper-scissored for it.

I won.

Sophia Frances, you're mine.

2009-01-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

I hate being two steps too late.

(This is my unrealistic hopeful escapist side talking)

2009-01-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

These are my awards, Mother, from Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing. I was just dropping these off. Now if you’ll excuse me, they’re putting me in something called Hero Squad.

2009-01-17T15:08:00.002-08:00

(click text to enlarge)

2009-01-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

Seriously, who doesn't wish for this?

2009-01-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

(1)
I collect dresses. Of all kinds. Most of them are from flee markets and look like something my grandmother would have worn. I usually don't wait for a special occasion to wear them.

(2)
My favorite thing to read about is that of impossible love. Or at least, impossible in the world that I live in. Love of werewolves, vampires, ghosts, monsters, and time travelers. I think they refer to that as "escapism."

(3)
I regret that I stopped dancing.

(4)
I speak small amounts of French and Dutch, but I would love to learn Russian.

(5)
I was painfully shy growing up, but people would always comment about how rude it made me look, so I made myself stop. But even now, I can't fully escape it, because my skin still has a tendency of turning red and blotchy in uncomfortable situations.

(6)
I am the oldest of two children, but my parents have dated/married enough people for myself, at one point or another, to consider myself the third youngest of seven children.

(7)
I don't know how/do not enjoy small talk. It has been considered a huge flaw for many ex boyfriends.

(8)
I love writing letters, but I have a tendency to never send them. Every time I clean something out, I'll find two or three.

(9)
I really like myself, and I think someday, someone else will too.

(10)
I make a lot of lists. Usually nothing happens with them. It's just nice to remember sometimes.

2009-01-16T10:44:00.001-08:00

This was the number one song in America on the day I was born.
Suiting, I think.

2009-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

“We had something, didn’t we?” he asks.

“We may have screwed it up, but…have you
ever known any two people to have what
we had?” She shakes her head, fighting
tears.

He walks over and crouches next to her,
looking into her eyes. “All of my heart,”
he says. “Forever.”

2009-01-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

"Having a bunch of cats around
is good. If you’re feeling bad,
you just look at the cats, you’ll
feel better, because they know that
everything is, just as it is. There’s
nothing to get excited about. They
just know. They’re saviors. The more
cats you have, the longer you live."

I think Charles Bukowski knows I'm
going to end up a crazy cat lady.

I don't even like cats.

2009-01-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

Why didn't I get this kind of education in high school?

2009-01-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

I know so many people my age that are pregnant or
engaged or married or some mix of the two. And I am
happy for them, but I’m feeling ridiculously inadequate
at the moment. I don’t want that sort of commitment
right now—to children, to a boy, to settling down so
young. I’m just not ready, I know. But I want that sort
of happiness and fulfillment.

2009-01-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

Sang:

Forrest:

Doug:

Why have I not seen you guys in, like, five days?

2009-01-05T23:28:00.001-08:00

These are my last goodbyes of 2008
(I'm a procrastinator, so sue me.)

goodbye
feeling stuck to this place, this area. It's
time for change. Major change, and I know I
can be less afraid of it.

goodbye
empathy and serial dating. I know I am worth
what I think I am worth, for once.

goodbye
phantom pain in my heart. You can stay in
the past, I finally don't need you anymore.

goodbye
trying to "eat better" and "sleep more" and
"smoke less." None of you happen! So stop
bothering me! I do what I want!

goodbye
You. This is why I'm saying goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

2009-01-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

Reason #468 why I know I'm kinda girly: this movie.

Granted, I did read the book when I was going through a
really hard break up, and it pretty much changed my whole
perspective on relationships.

None the less, I'm sure I will go see it.

2009-01-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

I just found this in my inbox. I kind of remembered that I had written myself
a letter, but I didn't remember what I had said. I think I had expected a lot
more to be different by now. How depressing.

2008-12-28T20:32:00.001-08:00

Sang, this is just for you.
(I don't think anyone else would get it...maybe Doug.)

Sorry, the image won't fit all the way, just click on it.

2008-12-28T11:28:00.001-08:00

2008-12-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

Probably the best ending to a series I've ever seen.
And maybe someday I won't weep every time I watch it.

(fat chance.)

My dad bought the entire Six Feet Under series off the
internet from some cheap site. The summer of 2007, I
took it from him and spent any downtime I had watching
episode after episode.

I watched this last episode the same night my then bf
who I was living with was coming home from tour. He had
been gone for about a month, and tried to get my mind
off it by making it my goal to finish the last season.
I remember going to bed exhausted after balling my eyes
out watching this last scene.

I didn't see it again until I was in DC a couple months
ago visiting a friend. He had already gone to bed, and
of course, I couldn't sleep. I was so afraid he was going
to come back in the room to find we weeping over a show.

But maybe that's just me.

2008-12-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

2008-12-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

My brother and I sure do know how to take a photo.
Merry Christmas.